Hypothetically Speaking...

IF I had decided to try smoking weed today this is what surely would have happened:

Being that I haven't really partaken since I was a teen and even then it was minimal - I would not really know what to do...I would try to roll a joint* and I would roll it very poorly. Poorly b/c I am not very coordinated - especially with big fat fingers involved. I would end up with this terribly, loose crappy joint but I would try and smoke it anyway.

I would not want to smoke it on the balcony b/c then the crazies across the way would see me and I would not feel inclined to have anything in common with them so overtly...so I would go into the bathroom with the fan turned on (like I am 13)...b/c I am a total amateur I wouldn't have a lighter and would get stuck using wooden matches to spark up. Then it would prove clear that poorly rolled joints are hard to smoke....and I would likely go through about 6+ of wooden matches, burning my damn fingers so much I would decide to just light a candle and use that to keep relighting the joint that won't burn properly b/c I am inept. I would probably proceed to cover the bathroom sink and counter with ash and bits of weed and get it all over the front of my shirt....but I would be determined and I would keep at it until 2/3 of that shitty joint was smoked and then I would sit and see what happened.

I would sit for a few hours doing the following things: talk to Mary on the phone for a little bit, watch People's Court, wish I had potato chips, nap, play online poker on my phone, text Lewis with photographic evidence of my new drug-addled existence, think about texting others but it would be too much work, turn on the radio and The Honeydrippers would be on and I would start to sing Sea of Love like I was Frank Sinatra accompanying Robert Plant, make white cheddar Kraft Dinner, text Lewis again asking how long this will last b/c it has been 3 hours and I have Katrina coming over after 6 and its already after 4 and I would not want to be baked as shit when she arrived, eat some TimTams and then I would do some blogging.

*a joint b/c when I tried to smoke from a pipe once no one told me you don't inhale hard like you do with a joint and I nearly died and had a sore, burned throat for 2 weeks