The Titanic...can I call it "The Tit" for short?
Pretty sure the water where the Titanic sank was warmer than the pool water this week. Why on earth can't it be this brisk in the summer when you are dying from the heat and warm like a bath in the winter...? Another fine example of why the world would be a better place if I got to make a few decisions.
During the 8 mile hike to my apartment from the elevator I was thinking about my life and how I got here...and why this many years in, being a reasonably bright person, I cannot find my chi...why am I still a lost mess of sorts...? And then like the simplest thing on earth I thought..."because you have not known anything else"...when you grow up feeling MEH....it is easy to chart that as normal....so MEH is normal...sometimes the MEH is darker....sometimes lighter...but MEH is the status quo....fast forward to the present and when you begin to think about mortality and health issues and other things that make you weird, you suddenly start to question how you let yourself get to where you are and...DING! Oh great, I am a complacent asshole who coasts along in life waiting for a miracle cure of MEH.
Even I am smart enough to know that does not exist but...really...whatever. I have these conversations with myself quite frequently, it doesn't help motivate me to un-MEH myself...because MEH is not all that bad really once you are used to it...
I recall thinking a few years back when Graeme lived with me that this would be what would finally tip me into the 'normal, well(ish) adjusted person' category*...it took about a week for me to realize I had made a grave mistake and I punished myself for a year giving it a fair shot...4 seasons...1 rotation around the sun...1 calendar year to realize I do not really like commitment or sharing a bathroom with a bearded man...(or a bedroom, or a closet, or the kitchen, etc.) Sure the relationship was inept and ridiculous and not really even what I would truly consider a 'relationship' (that takes 2 communicating people) BUT it was enough for me to understand a few things about myself that I think were valuable...and now I do not feel weird for not pining to be married/partnered. Someday I might meet someone I can stand. Someone that may be worth the risk of trust...stranger things have happened. For now I have a cat and even that commitment tests me on a daily basis.
Honestly...I should probably concentrate on just making myself leave the house sometimes. Stop eating white food. Make myself eat green stuff everyday. Cook more. Devour more books. Go outside. Stop caring about shit that doesn't matter. Clean my desk. Find my brain. Stop biting my nails. Go to bed earlier for fucks sake.
This has been yet another Ponderosa of Pondering...
* that category is a complete and utter lie
During the 8 mile hike to my apartment from the elevator I was thinking about my life and how I got here...and why this many years in, being a reasonably bright person, I cannot find my chi...why am I still a lost mess of sorts...? And then like the simplest thing on earth I thought..."because you have not known anything else"...when you grow up feeling MEH....it is easy to chart that as normal....so MEH is normal...sometimes the MEH is darker....sometimes lighter...but MEH is the status quo....fast forward to the present and when you begin to think about mortality and health issues and other things that make you weird, you suddenly start to question how you let yourself get to where you are and...DING! Oh great, I am a complacent asshole who coasts along in life waiting for a miracle cure of MEH.
Even I am smart enough to know that does not exist but...really...whatever. I have these conversations with myself quite frequently, it doesn't help motivate me to un-MEH myself...because MEH is not all that bad really once you are used to it...
I recall thinking a few years back when Graeme lived with me that this would be what would finally tip me into the 'normal, well(ish) adjusted person' category*...it took about a week for me to realize I had made a grave mistake and I punished myself for a year giving it a fair shot...4 seasons...1 rotation around the sun...1 calendar year to realize I do not really like commitment or sharing a bathroom with a bearded man...(or a bedroom, or a closet, or the kitchen, etc.) Sure the relationship was inept and ridiculous and not really even what I would truly consider a 'relationship' (that takes 2 communicating people) BUT it was enough for me to understand a few things about myself that I think were valuable...and now I do not feel weird for not pining to be married/partnered. Someday I might meet someone I can stand. Someone that may be worth the risk of trust...stranger things have happened. For now I have a cat and even that commitment tests me on a daily basis.
Honestly...I should probably concentrate on just making myself leave the house sometimes. Stop eating white food. Make myself eat green stuff everyday. Cook more. Devour more books. Go outside. Stop caring about shit that doesn't matter. Clean my desk. Find my brain. Stop biting my nails. Go to bed earlier for fucks sake.
This has been yet another Ponderosa of Pondering...
* that category is a complete and utter lie