Notebook
I have to start taking notes about stuff to blog about it seems b/c there is such a gap in time between posts (more on that later) that when I do get a moment to set for more than 5 mins at my PC I suddenly can't remember all my awesome ideas.
It has been made apparently clear to me in recent days that this nerve problem is not going away anytime soon...I am intensely sad about this tidbit of realization. I am feeling really rundown and held hostage honestly so I am taking this weekend to buck the fuck up about it and get on with just waiting for it calm down so I can resume some semblance of a life, even a boring one.
Here is just one part of the shittiness...I won't even bother explaining how painful it is to work 8 hrs a day at a desk...or how the bus breaking can make me feel nauseous if I twist the wrong way...this sad story involves bedtime. Getting comfortable is key...my bed has a wedge and 4 pillows to keep me propped up - I can only sleep on my back (I am not a back sleeper so this sucks balls) and my spine/neck must be completely straight and supported or there is NO getting comfortable.
I have a routine...I get into bed and it takes a while to find that position where all is well with the world...I tend to get a bit panicky b/c I am a spazz via genetic predisposition...and think I won't get any sleep for work and I make myself cry.....Once I get in the right position I DO NOT FUCKING MOVE. Stillness ---- like a dead body/corpse stillness....
Oh - but some nights there are forces working against me. Like the new ppl upstairs seem to enjoy chatting out on their patio at night, which is great for them and within their right without a doubt, they are not being particularly noisy or anything but I have to sleep with my window open or I die in the night from heat and the last thing I need is to have to get up from my perfect placement to open the window and turn the fan on b/c there s a good chance I will not get back to sleep and then I am fucked. So, I am laying there and I don't have my noise maker machine on to drown them out b/c I was watching something on Netflix before bed and all I can here are these ppl chatting....on and on....and I lay there knowing if I move to get up to shut the damn window so I can fall asleep I risk not being able to fall asleep or find THE SPOT again....OR (as it happened) the next night after having shut the window the previous night I realize once I am in bed that the window is closed....and I know I will die of heat in the night if I do not get up and open it - again risking my sleep....OR my personal favorite....after rolling around and moving about to find THE SPOT - I manage to give myself a fucking wedgy that cannot be ignored so if I want to go to sleep I have to de-wedge or its all over...this often involves having to get out of bed b/c using the bad arm for such things is a no-no....
This is my life right now. I have given up wearing any sort of PJ bottom or undergarment to bed for obvious reason....
So - Matthew Good recently posted about something extremely personal...TMI really, massive over share...how he cheated on his wife numerous times, was very sorry, wants privacy for his family etc...they have split up...I poked around and gleaned some more details...stumbled upon this website called THE DIRTY that has a thread devoted to this specific topic which has been going on for quite sometimes so its very old news...Anyway...I was immediately horrified. Not b/c I thought he was some moral crusader or anything but b/c after his 1st marriage (which he over shared a lot about as well - making it all sound like it was b/c she cheated on him and she loved cocaine and she was up to no good while he ended up in a mental hospital and eventually got diagnosed as bipolar, etc) I was actually really happy for him...new wife...3 kids...a ranch - a new idyllic life of sorts....so much for that.
It is no secret he is a dirtbag...the stories about his sexual exploits are pretty widespread (pardon the pun) & well known...I had hoped this new family would rid the beast of the dirtbaggery but clearly that was not the case. I read that blog post and took it like I do most cheaters apologies...an after thought...it made me really look at how he conducted himself through the last divorce...the songs that were written about it/her....the one-sided commentary about it...it's made me rethink all of that...so that apology post did not endear him at all to me, I took it as an attempted manipulation of his fan-base...all the comments on FB "oh Matt we love you anyway" etc....are you fucking kidding me? Are we in junior high here...? Is this any one's business? No and No and No. Lucky for me I can still listen to his music and separate it from him as a person (and by this I do not mean he is a bad person, how the hell do I know, he is not my friend, ppl cheat all the damn time and I do not think it should define him as a person for the rest of his days)...I sure as fuck no longer care about his blog posts anymore or his seemingly insatiable need for attention online. All of that has been ruined by this TMI moment and I am doing my best to not spend another moment thinking about him as a person - it is all about the art now. I do not want to be disappointed b/c 1) none of my business 2) none of my business 3) none of my business 4) I can't help it (I am now waiting for a David Duchovny-esque sex addiction claim)...In a few days I will not be so disappointed and get over myself and my judgey-ness.
Dead arm...k-bye!
It has been made apparently clear to me in recent days that this nerve problem is not going away anytime soon...I am intensely sad about this tidbit of realization. I am feeling really rundown and held hostage honestly so I am taking this weekend to buck the fuck up about it and get on with just waiting for it calm down so I can resume some semblance of a life, even a boring one.
Here is just one part of the shittiness...I won't even bother explaining how painful it is to work 8 hrs a day at a desk...or how the bus breaking can make me feel nauseous if I twist the wrong way...this sad story involves bedtime. Getting comfortable is key...my bed has a wedge and 4 pillows to keep me propped up - I can only sleep on my back (I am not a back sleeper so this sucks balls) and my spine/neck must be completely straight and supported or there is NO getting comfortable.
 |
| This would change my life right now...!!! |
Oh - but some nights there are forces working against me. Like the new ppl upstairs seem to enjoy chatting out on their patio at night, which is great for them and within their right without a doubt, they are not being particularly noisy or anything but I have to sleep with my window open or I die in the night from heat and the last thing I need is to have to get up from my perfect placement to open the window and turn the fan on b/c there s a good chance I will not get back to sleep and then I am fucked. So, I am laying there and I don't have my noise maker machine on to drown them out b/c I was watching something on Netflix before bed and all I can here are these ppl chatting....on and on....and I lay there knowing if I move to get up to shut the damn window so I can fall asleep I risk not being able to fall asleep or find THE SPOT again....OR (as it happened) the next night after having shut the window the previous night I realize once I am in bed that the window is closed....and I know I will die of heat in the night if I do not get up and open it - again risking my sleep....OR my personal favorite....after rolling around and moving about to find THE SPOT - I manage to give myself a fucking wedgy that cannot be ignored so if I want to go to sleep I have to de-wedge or its all over...this often involves having to get out of bed b/c using the bad arm for such things is a no-no....
This is my life right now. I have given up wearing any sort of PJ bottom or undergarment to bed for obvious reason....
So - Matthew Good recently posted about something extremely personal...TMI really, massive over share...how he cheated on his wife numerous times, was very sorry, wants privacy for his family etc...they have split up...I poked around and gleaned some more details...stumbled upon this website called THE DIRTY that has a thread devoted to this specific topic which has been going on for quite sometimes so its very old news...Anyway...I was immediately horrified. Not b/c I thought he was some moral crusader or anything but b/c after his 1st marriage (which he over shared a lot about as well - making it all sound like it was b/c she cheated on him and she loved cocaine and she was up to no good while he ended up in a mental hospital and eventually got diagnosed as bipolar, etc) I was actually really happy for him...new wife...3 kids...a ranch - a new idyllic life of sorts....so much for that.
It is no secret he is a dirtbag...the stories about his sexual exploits are pretty widespread (pardon the pun) & well known...I had hoped this new family would rid the beast of the dirtbaggery but clearly that was not the case. I read that blog post and took it like I do most cheaters apologies...an after thought...it made me really look at how he conducted himself through the last divorce...the songs that were written about it/her....the one-sided commentary about it...it's made me rethink all of that...so that apology post did not endear him at all to me, I took it as an attempted manipulation of his fan-base...all the comments on FB "oh Matt we love you anyway" etc....are you fucking kidding me? Are we in junior high here...? Is this any one's business? No and No and No. Lucky for me I can still listen to his music and separate it from him as a person (and by this I do not mean he is a bad person, how the hell do I know, he is not my friend, ppl cheat all the damn time and I do not think it should define him as a person for the rest of his days)...I sure as fuck no longer care about his blog posts anymore or his seemingly insatiable need for attention online. All of that has been ruined by this TMI moment and I am doing my best to not spend another moment thinking about him as a person - it is all about the art now. I do not want to be disappointed b/c 1) none of my business 2) none of my business 3) none of my business 4) I can't help it (I am now waiting for a David Duchovny-esque sex addiction claim)...In a few days I will not be so disappointed and get over myself and my judgey-ness.
Dead arm...k-bye!