Family of the Attachment Disordered

I love my family...all of them, even the ones I don't like...I still love them. Upon reflecting on my own personal attachment disorder (pretty sure I could pick one or 2 out of the DSM [Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders] that would suit me) I began to look at the tier above me in my family and see they all have something similar...go one more tier up...oh same thing....see a pattern here?

I was determined to shower Ms A with love and affection and did so quite effectively...that came fairly natural...and my dislike of hugging does not extend to her, it never has...even during the 5 years of personal teenage hell - though I can assure you we did not hug as much as we should have during that time...I was too busy hanging a bag of pop cans on my bedroom door so I would hear her coming in to kill me at night. She is super huggy and affectionate to friends and family and this pleases me greatly...mission accomplished.

It is a complex pot of life stew that has made me an anti-hugger...it is not my go to action when I see people...though I am acutely aware if I am in the presence of someone who wants to hug and they are reading my body language and hanging back to accommodate my fuckeduppedness...b/c they are awesome. At the same time there are moments where I am happy for the bulldozer huggers who force me - Mary & Shawn are the top 2 bulldozer huggers...Shawn calls it 'rubbin' titties' which makes it fun to do with a gay man. In moments of emotion when I get hugged by someone upset I can power through it ok and not die inside...I understand the worth of the hug for them I just don't get it...the last thing I wanna do when I am sad is get a gawd damn hug from someone. I guess this stems from self-soothing so much in life...I do not require the contact of others to get me through a rough patch....I do however want to talk to someone on occasion which is a true testament to the friendships I have forged with a few people in my life.

My go to is generally Connie...that girl knows me better than most even though we are rarely in each other vicinity. We have shared a lot of feelings since grade 8/9 in Ponoka Jr High...a lot of turmoil, experience, life shit....we have also had years of no contact which are something I truly regret...not having the skills to problem solve whatever immediate issue we were having....we always found our way back to each other though b/c - corny or not - we are connected in such a way that it is hard to ignore the others existence for long. We are both old enough and have acquired enough skill to navigate any weirdness that might come up now so I do not foresee us having any falling out periods again....beside we both recognize we are too old and life is too short for such bullshit.

Sometimes I feel like I need to start making myself hug ppl much more often just so it feels less awkward and uncomfortable...you know that whole philosophy that you should do things that you fear or do not like in order to conquer whatever it is that is your hang up...I do consider that....but like most things in my life I ponder and reflect and then go on doing sweet fuck all about it.

I am pretty good at ending friendships too...this stems mostly from being terrible at direct uncomfortable conversation (in the past)...I am not sure why it is so difficult for someone like myself (who is generally very candid and direct)...perhaps because if there is any sort of element where I am have to admit I have been hurt, devalued or damaged in some way by a person it is too vulnerable a place to admit that out loud....telling someone to go fuck themselves is much easier and satisfying. I swear - it should be compulsory to teach all children proper communication methods....instead we were taught to be polite, to suck it up, to be passive-aggressive. If every child was taught to be fearless and direct while practicing empathy the world would be a very different place.

So many skills that were not ingrained while my brain was still a sponge...sigh.