Long time no talkie....get ready...we are ovary due!
What can I say....? Not having a comfortable desk chair is impacting my blogging schedule.
Getting old has made for some interesting neurosis'...I have super human smell abilities right now (worse than when I was pregnant) which makes many things in life quite gross (cooking smells at night drive me nuts)....becoming sensitive to loud noise (most especially dishes clanging, and at night...much worse at night)...just over all less tolerant about things that never even registered with me in the past...the beginnings of menopause has been great fun...aside from the massive hair loss (FTW!) over the last 5 years and the dreadful period symptoms...now that the period part is sporadic and all over the map (generally unreliable which was the only good thing about it for the last 30 years) you never know when you are going to ruin some bed sheets or pants....30 years of fertility....gone...poof!...my eggs are no longer dropping....my ovaries ran out of eggs....this is a weird moment in time....you take those little bastard eggs (pardon the pun) for granted for the most part....always making sure you do not get pregnant (except that ONE time....) b/c the eggs were always dropping like clockwork...if I have any eggs stuck up in the ovaries, like jammed really hard up in an ovarian crease, they are old and fucked ones that would produce less than optimal offspring....so they should just stay stuck...not that there is anything to worry about...you couldn't pay me enough to have sex with someone at the moment...ok wait...thinking this through....you could PAY ME, sure - but I demand to be intoxicated and only remember the positive aspects...like the good old days.
Common Symptoms: Hot Flashes (you know, I have no idea b/c I am always so damn hot), Night Sweats (same as above...jfc), Irregular Periods (yep), Loss of Libido (probably haha), Vaginal Dryness (this one always makes me laugh b/c unless you are having sex it doesn't really affect you so who knows...?), Mood Swings (lifelong disorder).
Changes: Fatigue (yep), Hair Loss (FML yes... #cry), Sleep Disorders (sleep is getting a bit weird these days), Difficulty Concentrating & Memory Lapses (this is now normal for me and I was convinced I had early Alzheimers, not even kidding but this symptom gives me hope it might go away eventually b/c I am currently dumb as fuck), Dizziness (yep), Weight Gain (another life long problem...awesome), Incontinence (ha ha ha awesome), Bloating (every-fucking-day haha), Allergies (HEY!I don't have any known allergies! FOR THE WIN!), Brittle Nails (yep), Changes in Odor (not sure what they mean here...b/c my sniffer is bionic so I can't really tell....I think I smell the same or b/c I am a bionic sniffer I am much more diligent in the hygiene dept and cancel it out...funny how I assume change in odor means "stank"...hahah), and Irregular Heartbeat (again...here I just thought I was gearing up for a massive jammer/heart attack...hmmm #keeptakingthatdailyaspirin), Depression (lifelong issue, who knows, I have actually had an uncanny ability to practice denial lately so whenever some bad shit creeeps into my head and I feel that dark cloud lingering I shut that shit down like a motherfucker and go on my merry way), Anxiety (yep or else I am just becoming mindful of it for the 1st time), Irritability (hahahahahahhaa since forever), Panic Disorder (no thank fuck).
Pains: Breast Pain, Headaches, Joint Pain (yes to all 3), Burning Tongue (no and I am quite grateful), Electric Shocks (what does this even mean?), Digestive Problems (yep), Gum Problems (no), Muscle Tension (yes), Itchy Skin (OMFG YES! This just changed my life), Tingling Extremities (gawd, wtf, yes......).
Others: Osteoporosis (something to look fwd to. #jfc)
Getting old has made for some interesting neurosis'...I have super human smell abilities right now (worse than when I was pregnant) which makes many things in life quite gross (cooking smells at night drive me nuts)....becoming sensitive to loud noise (most especially dishes clanging, and at night...much worse at night)...just over all less tolerant about things that never even registered with me in the past...the beginnings of menopause has been great fun...aside from the massive hair loss (FTW!) over the last 5 years and the dreadful period symptoms...now that the period part is sporadic and all over the map (generally unreliable which was the only good thing about it for the last 30 years) you never know when you are going to ruin some bed sheets or pants....30 years of fertility....gone...poof!...my eggs are no longer dropping....my ovaries ran out of eggs....this is a weird moment in time....you take those little bastard eggs (pardon the pun) for granted for the most part....always making sure you do not get pregnant (except that ONE time....) b/c the eggs were always dropping like clockwork...if I have any eggs stuck up in the ovaries, like jammed really hard up in an ovarian crease, they are old and fucked ones that would produce less than optimal offspring....so they should just stay stuck...not that there is anything to worry about...you couldn't pay me enough to have sex with someone at the moment...ok wait...thinking this through....you could PAY ME, sure - but I demand to be intoxicated and only remember the positive aspects...like the good old days.
----yes I just basically said prostitution is within my morality realm----
Let's get real though...it is easy to say that when you are 100%+ sure the opportunity will never be offered.
Let's see what I have.... a list of the 34 menopause symptoms:
Changes: Fatigue (yep), Hair Loss (FML yes... #cry), Sleep Disorders (sleep is getting a bit weird these days), Difficulty Concentrating & Memory Lapses (this is now normal for me and I was convinced I had early Alzheimers, not even kidding but this symptom gives me hope it might go away eventually b/c I am currently dumb as fuck), Dizziness (yep), Weight Gain (another life long problem...awesome), Incontinence (ha ha ha awesome), Bloating (every-fucking-day haha), Allergies (HEY!I don't have any known allergies! FOR THE WIN!), Brittle Nails (yep), Changes in Odor (not sure what they mean here...b/c my sniffer is bionic so I can't really tell....I think I smell the same or b/c I am a bionic sniffer I am much more diligent in the hygiene dept and cancel it out...funny how I assume change in odor means "stank"...hahah), and Irregular Heartbeat (again...here I just thought I was gearing up for a massive jammer/heart attack...hmmm #keeptakingthatdailyaspirin), Depression (lifelong issue, who knows, I have actually had an uncanny ability to practice denial lately so whenever some bad shit creeeps into my head and I feel that dark cloud lingering I shut that shit down like a motherfucker and go on my merry way), Anxiety (yep or else I am just becoming mindful of it for the 1st time), Irritability (hahahahahahhaa since forever), Panic Disorder (no thank fuck).
Pains: Breast Pain, Headaches, Joint Pain (yes to all 3), Burning Tongue (no and I am quite grateful), Electric Shocks (what does this even mean?), Digestive Problems (yep), Gum Problems (no), Muscle Tension (yes), Itchy Skin (OMFG YES! This just changed my life), Tingling Extremities (gawd, wtf, yes......).
Others: Osteoporosis (something to look fwd to. #jfc)
Wasn't that fun? Wandering down the cruel reality of female life with me? Whoever reads this is now in tune with my menopausal self...you should get a badge for that.
I am forcing myself to go out and garden despite the fact I have a summer cold (worse than winter colds somehow) and it is hot as gorilla balls outside...even for a bit...I am always glad I did. I am always glad I go on my 11pm Pokemon walks too....even if I did not get any that I didn't already have. As a 45 year old adult I cannot explain the sheer joy it is to acquire a Pokemon Go thing that you did not already have....a NEW POKEMON! It puzzles even me...I dunno why I care....I don't even know what Pokemons are....aliens? animals? bugs? mythological creatures? Who cares...they are fun and anything that gets me out walking is a gawd damn miracle.