Sneaky surprises...

It has been a couple of days since I flew up to Prince George to meet my newly discovered (via DNA test on Ancestry.ca) dad, Al.

I was very nervous....and full of dread. You really put yourself out there when you venture into uncharted waters...I am not good with putting myself out there. I am the avoider of all emotion. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. Stuff it down. Only let it out in extremely small bits to ensure a true breach is not possible. A true breach = death...an emotional one. Dramatic, hey? Yeah I know...welcome to my emotional state.

So...I get on this damn airplane and I fly to the city of my birth...I must do this, without question. I have spent my life rejected by who I thought was my father, feeling anger and utter wonder about his behaviour, or lack thereof. To this day I cannot understand how someone could ignore a child...this feeling was echoed greatly when my child's own father did the exact same thing for over a decade to her. It is something I will never be able to forgive, the effects are permanent, as is my loathing.

Sorry....so I am on a plane....land in PG....and as I am walking into the airport I see that this man I know to be Al is holding flowers and smiling, his wife next to him is holding up her phone recording my entrance... #killmenow #destroythatvideo #haha

In the few seconds I have to process the scene I am focussed on these flowers...running through all the scenarios as to why he would bring flowers and recognizing how truly uncomfortable I am being the center of their attention at that moment...at the same time, awkward hugs and all, I am enamoured by the gesture...I have never been anyone's center of attention...I realize this weekend is, for them, all about me...and for me, this weekend is all about them. Interesting dynamic.

After some hugs (that were not actually awkward at all, would have been more awkward to stand there looking at each other) we make our way to the car and I am staring...the familiarity is wigging me out...cannot...stop...staring....I even snuck a photo of him driving b/c the thought crossed my mind if we were in a wreck and he died I needed to have a picture at that exact moment...I am a morbid asshole, I know.

sneaky backseat papparazzi

The conversation is easy, the flow is effortless...and remained so all weekend...and thank gawd for that...I loved that there was no real awkwardness, for me anyway...

It was his 68th birthday that day so we went back to their house and they set me up in a spare room downstairs, showed me where my bathroom was and all that...and we made our way upstairs. The plan was that after dinner his sister Lynne and her husband Chris would be coming over for a visit and cake.

Al's wife, Huguette, made a delicious spaghetti dinner...keep in mind I am still staring whenever the opportunity presents itself. I was trying not to be a creep I swear but it was just impossible to not scan and search his face for familiar traits.

When Lynne and Chris arrived Chris loudly shouted from the front door "WHERE IS THIS NEW NIECE OF MINE!?" I may have died...it was a huge moment of acceptance I was not prepared for. Keep in mind I am/was of the mindset they all might not like me and this could be the one and only visit and this could be the end of it. More hugging...more greetings...so very nice...all the nice was slaying my icy heart like a hot knife in butter...

The evening was great...so many great stories and laughter...such ease...

Saturday was driving day....after Al made pancakes for breakfast (every time something like this happened in my head I was screaming OMFG MY DAD IS MAKING ME FUCKING PANCAKES RIGHT NOW!!!) and then we headed out to check out some local sites...Connaught Hill Park was my request as there are a few photos of me as a child on the big wheel thing there (see photos below).

The park is lovely...weird nostalgia, I don't really remember being there but in my mind it is a landmark of sorts.

2 of me on the left and Al on the right,
definitely a resemblance.

We drove out to their old place of 20 yrs on Ness Lake that was just beautiful...must have been tough leaving when they moved into town to downsize. All the while, I am mesmerized by Al's tales...he is a talented story teller with such a great sense of humor - very entertaining. The best part of all is he is crass and sassy, which is my favorite because THAT IS ME! The personality traits we both have were really neat to notice as well...I waffled about it being inherent or coincidence...lots of people have wicked wit and a great sense of humor...right? But staring at your new dad and noticing you both have a silly side is amusing.

We managed to find one of the old houses I lived in as a kid, it was still standing...I will put a photo of it at the end of this ramble.

Back at the house the albums came out...Huguette pulled out some humdingers...the wedding album, the anniversary scrapbooks, the best of the best...I took photos of it all...was in awe of seeing the many ages, hairstyles and smiles of my new dad. The young photos of Al were the most revealing...that fair hair we shared...the cowlicks we share...the hooded eyelids and the eye shape we share, that upper lip area, the widow's peak hairline, the dimples...it is all there. Hence, the reason I stared at him like a weirdo all weekend.

Huguette & Al - such a good
looking pair.

All the photos of Al as a young man were the best...he was a handsome devil and he is smiling or laughing in most of the photos...it conveyed a life of much fun and freedom. Just love having them all. Al still has a full head of hair but keeps his head shaved these days so I did not get to see his cowlicks in action.

Sat. night Lynne and Chris came over again for a ham dinner...much talking and laughter, cracked open some champagne...toasted...Lynne brought over some photos for me to look at that she had which was very nice and some great old ones too that I am grateful to have copies of.

Sunday we went out driving again, they showed me where Huguette worked and where Al's business was before they both retired...we viewed this house that was up for a raffle to raise $ for the local hospice...tickets were 100.00 and I bought one b/c I was feeling damn lucky...I could not afford to keep a house that big but I would happily sell it and pay for Ayla's schooling with the proceeds! We stopped at Cariboo Farms to buy carrots and kohlrabi...I have never heard of kohlrabi in my whole life and this was one of my new dad's favorite snacks...I was intrigued...until I saw it was a cabbage-y turnip like vegetable. I never got a chance

I caught him smiling big,
my favorite.

to try it but I will definitely pick one up if we have them here and see what it is all about. We stopped in at Lynne and Chris's place for tea after that which was great fun...I was determined to get some candid shots...

I had plans to meet up with Sara & Isobel for tea (my pseudo-half sister and my pseudo-aunt, while my fake real dad Gord ignored me my whole life Sara and Isobel were very friendly and nice to me and despite the fact we may not be related at all I am grateful for their years of service hahaha seriously though, lovely gals). It was good seeing them, I had never met Isobel before and had only met Sara one other time a few years ago. It was a nice 2 hour visit.

We went to The Keg for a steak dinner...I was cracking up at some similarities Al and I shared when kids scream in restaurants...haha We both grumble inappropriate obscenities about kids being assholes and who the fuck brings their bratty kids to The Keg ffs...etc. I was enjoying all his ranting, much to Huguette's horror...haha She is a great sport...they are adorable...Al is so affectionate to her still after 41 years, calling her sweet pea, etc. It was super cute.

Monday was D-Day....going home day....weird. Huguette had an appointment so we said our goodbyes at the house...I thanked for her her grace and kindness through this whole weird situation - because she could have kyboshed this whole thing quite easily and understandably but she didn't...and for that I will always be so grateful. I enjoyed her a lot, we are bonded by our nighttime HGTV viewing.

Al and I headed to his favorite restaurant for lunch before he took me to the airport...The Camelot Restaurant AKA The CamelTurd as he calls it (if you know me at all, this is something I would also call such a place...) he claimed had the best fries and gravy..he boasted this very confidently so this was a turning point in our new daughter/father bonding experience...do not steer me wrong dad with pumped up promises of the best fries and gravy in all the land and not follow through....we ordered...they came...and christonacracker if these were not the best gawd damn fries and gravy on earth....and not just because I was sitting in the city of my birth with the dad I never knew I had my whole life, having the greatest chat while pigging out greasy food...these fries and gravy were fodder of poets and lyricists...I shit you not.

Took the long drive to the airport....I was starting to feel the anxiety rising as we approached. It is really tough when you do not know someone and are in this unique situation that is not mapped anywhere in either of your previous experiences...We hugged...he told me to keep in touch, said they would visit in the spring when they were done wintering in Arizona and we parted ways.

Sounds ok, right?....it was for about 15 mins until shit got very real for me...Jen the Emotion Stuffer felt that familiar gurgle when the emotions are trying to escape....all this darkness billowing into my psyche like clockwork...I was very mindful of how this was all transpiring in my head...I had just had the best weekend of my whole life yet I could not help but feel profound loss...the what ifs, the reality smashing me right in the face that DNA related or not there was not a guaranteed outcome...my inability to trust in the moment...my realist outlook that screams to me that this weekend doesn't mean a damn thing, it's early yet....so many things could go wrong and screw it up...at least before I never knew what I was missing...now I knew and the prospect of that loss was a whole new mindfuck I was not ready for. I was disgusted by my own insecurity and neediness...you take for granted that unconditional thing you have with family you have always known. They love you always, even when you are a dipshit, you never have to worry about it not working out, you know? This was a strange feeling...having such a legit, family connection but missing that unconditional love part.

I have been home 2 days now and I am so emotionally raw...processing this is something I hadn't actually anticipated. Sometimes I am really dumb, clearly. I should know myself....if emotions of any sort are involved I usually cannot cope worth a shit. I am mostly a blubbery mess when I am alone, I do not even know wtf I am crying about, which would be funny if it was not so dysfunctional. As I type this I recognize that in the AM my eyes are going to be puffy and stupid looking. NOTE: I got my period the next morning, hoping that levels out all this craziness.

I should probably go to a counsellor if this doesn't sort itself out this week and get a little easier to stifle...ha ha ha Old habits die hard.

So, that is where I am at...amazing weekend....full of revelations and new family...treated with such kindness and generosity and here I am - unable to allow myself to just enjoy it all, soak in the positive vibes I was sent all weekend...I am instead, in between reveling in the all that is this new reality, falling apart. It has been a long time since I felt this vulnerable I guess...I haven't gotten any damn better at that clearly.

I didn't even know I wanted a dad until life dangled one on a stick in front of my face...

I guess the worst part is knowing that the experience was much more different for him than it was for me...I feel like there is a novelty to it for him maybe, not in a flippant, shitty way - but he didn't have 40+ yrs to build this up in his head, he didn't spend the last 40 years wondering what it would be like to know a daughter who was out there somewhere. We have no baggage between us, he did not abandon me, he did not leave me, he did not neglect me...but I am a product of all that and really do not want to bring that into this new orb we are creating for ourselves. This is my shit, not his...

Nothing is ever simple but that Friday, Saturday, Sunday and half of Monday was...I will cherish that weekend forever, no exaggeration, it was big for me. I cannot wait to see them again and dive back into that feeling...and bring Ayla with me on that ride.