Throw off your shame or be a slave to the system...

I have a counselling appt tomorrow...I am going simply b/c I logically know I should go try and learn some new life skills...I do not like the process of having to talk about things that are real and raw and touchy...but it is a means to an end clearly. I have wasted a lot of my life stewing in rage that has not served me well...at my age I have no one to blame but myself for this. I make jokes about everything being my mom's fault but that shit only maintains validity for so long...

With all these new dad changes and developments recently it has been impossible to not what if myself to the brink of madness. Al made a very good point over fries and gravy that had he known about me when I was born nothing would have likely changed for me...which is very honest and true. I still would have lived with my mother and been dragged along on all her marital adventures BUT...part of me likes to live in the land of delusion and imagine a life where once Al married Huguette I was whisked away to live with them and live a very different life...and be a different me.

The thing is - there were parts of my childhood that I would not want to have missed out on. My aunties, my grandparents, my siblings and my friendships from then that have stood the test of time. The rest of it, however, can be triple deleted, never to be thought of again. 

I struggle so much with my mother's behaviour, then and now. It has not gotten easier to manage or tolerate I'm afraid to say...I scan the internet looking for some magical information and insight on teenage traumatic brain injury, hoping for a bit of insight that might make me empathize a bit more thoroughly. At my best I am able to be quite logical about her circumstances leading up to my birth. I know logically it is not her fault that she is how she is...but I often wonder where is that line between brain injury and plain assholery? I have recently asked her permission to try and get the records from the hospital to see what exactly did happen to her...she agreed and I sent away for them but it can take many months. When I finally got my hospital records from when I got burned as a baby it was pretty trippy to read about yourself in that context...it confirmed all the 2nd hand info and really drove home how messed up the whole thing was. I am hoping my mom's records will solidify something in my brain so I can see things differently where she is concerned. I am pretty weary of the situation as it is now.

The truth of it is - I am tired of dedicating so much of my time and life to a mother I have very little to do with on a day to day basis. Letting go of shit...is the key.

I spoke with Al and Huguette this evening...it is the 1st time since I left there...both were just as they were while I was there, fantastic...all this fretting I do...fuck I annoy myself. They were perfect lovely, talked about how we will keep in touch once they go south for the winter...sigh.

Life.