Brain Fatigue
My new dad was in town in May.
It is a strange thing to get to know a parent at 47.
Grateful to have the opportunity before it was too late of course but strange nonetheless.
I self-monitor fairly well and I find my reaction and emotions most intriguing.
At 47 I feel like a honey badger...giving no shits about so many things that used to matter so much. I don't generally care if ppl like me, I don't care if people expect things of me, I say fuck you to obligatory things as often as I can if I do not feel they are genuinely important to me, etc. You get the idea...then you have a new dad come along and blow your shit up...because suddenly a bunch of things you never really felt weird about suddenly bubble to the surface. Al is a super chill dude...this is all me...as per usual.
Admittedly, I do not have great experience interacting with the male species. Ultimately my penchant for being unmarried and unpaired is how I deal with my inability to relate to and trust the male species. I find relationships laborious most often and almost always disappointing. I do understand this is completely the spin I am putting on it. Every chance I have taken, every morsel of trust I have granted - all for naught. I have come to expect disappointment from men and it clearly colors how I interact with them. Realizing this and being mindful of it helps with perspective. I truly love being single though...no bullshit...I just love it...I am not sure what kind of person could make me give it up.
So yeah, great visit, always grateful I lucked out and ended up with a decent bunch of new family...could not have imagined better honestly. I still felt a little weird and messed up after...I shook it off quickly though, the dark bits...but much better than after the 1st visit...no counselling required this time.
It was really important for me to have Ayla and Al meet finally...it's like offering up the best thing you ever made in your life to someone you are trying to impress (I am chuckling at that line right now)...It's like "SEE! Not a failure at all, look at this amazing sprog I made and managed to not ruin!!!" Lucky for me Ayla is a dazzler generally so she offers me credibility... **are you picking up my vibe here? some self esteem issues are gurgling to the surface in this situation for me...impossible to ignore**
I cannot even fathom how this situation could have gone had Al turned out to be even the slightest of asshole...I guess it would have played out how I am generally used to...maybe that is what is mindfucking me about this - it is not playing out like the typical experience I am used to. Great life lesson really...chill the fuck out Conky and go with the flow...stop overthinking, stop feeling like there is anything to prove, stop feeling like you are not good enough, stop thinking that this all means more than it does, just be.
A few weeks before Hug & Al visited, the sprog and I had a wonderful visit with some other new family, Aunty Dale and cousins Kathy and Christi came to Victoria and we had 2 days of fun...such a chill vibe - loved it...I am accustomed to womenfolk...I love the gathering of like minded women...I love the banter, the ease, the laughing, the relatability...I value my relationships with women above most all else...daughter, sister, aunts, friends and yes, even my mother...some are far easier than others but still...I value it greatly.
I have a trip planned for Sept. Going to pop up to Nanaimo overnight to visit with Crazy Mary...then ferry over to Gibsons to visit with Christi and her husband Jason for a couple days...then off to Vancouver, Jason and I are going to see the Distillers at the Commodore...then I will visit a couple days with Aunty Dale...then home.
A visit to the endocrinologist has been interesting...I see her again on Friday to interpret the test results...some of which I have interpreted on my own already and it has kicked me in gear - FINALLY - seeing so many red flag test results with your own eyes really flicks that switch....how long do you want to live? And while you are living how do you want to feel...? The writing was on the wall...so incorporating some new good habits into life...watch me go!
It is a strange thing to get to know a parent at 47.
Grateful to have the opportunity before it was too late of course but strange nonetheless.
I self-monitor fairly well and I find my reaction and emotions most intriguing.
At 47 I feel like a honey badger...giving no shits about so many things that used to matter so much. I don't generally care if ppl like me, I don't care if people expect things of me, I say fuck you to obligatory things as often as I can if I do not feel they are genuinely important to me, etc. You get the idea...then you have a new dad come along and blow your shit up...because suddenly a bunch of things you never really felt weird about suddenly bubble to the surface. Al is a super chill dude...this is all me...as per usual.
Admittedly, I do not have great experience interacting with the male species. Ultimately my penchant for being unmarried and unpaired is how I deal with my inability to relate to and trust the male species. I find relationships laborious most often and almost always disappointing. I do understand this is completely the spin I am putting on it. Every chance I have taken, every morsel of trust I have granted - all for naught. I have come to expect disappointment from men and it clearly colors how I interact with them. Realizing this and being mindful of it helps with perspective. I truly love being single though...no bullshit...I just love it...I am not sure what kind of person could make me give it up.So yeah, great visit, always grateful I lucked out and ended up with a decent bunch of new family...could not have imagined better honestly. I still felt a little weird and messed up after...I shook it off quickly though, the dark bits...but much better than after the 1st visit...no counselling required this time.
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| Huguette, Ayla & Al - Ayla's new grandparents :o) |
I cannot even fathom how this situation could have gone had Al turned out to be even the slightest of asshole...I guess it would have played out how I am generally used to...maybe that is what is mindfucking me about this - it is not playing out like the typical experience I am used to. Great life lesson really...chill the fuck out Conky and go with the flow...stop overthinking, stop feeling like there is anything to prove, stop feeling like you are not good enough, stop thinking that this all means more than it does, just be.
A few weeks before Hug & Al visited, the sprog and I had a wonderful visit with some other new family, Aunty Dale and cousins Kathy and Christi came to Victoria and we had 2 days of fun...such a chill vibe - loved it...I am accustomed to womenfolk...I love the gathering of like minded women...I love the banter, the ease, the laughing, the relatability...I value my relationships with women above most all else...daughter, sister, aunts, friends and yes, even my mother...some are far easier than others but still...I value it greatly.
I have a trip planned for Sept. Going to pop up to Nanaimo overnight to visit with Crazy Mary...then ferry over to Gibsons to visit with Christi and her husband Jason for a couple days...then off to Vancouver, Jason and I are going to see the Distillers at the Commodore...then I will visit a couple days with Aunty Dale...then home.
A visit to the endocrinologist has been interesting...I see her again on Friday to interpret the test results...some of which I have interpreted on my own already and it has kicked me in gear - FINALLY - seeing so many red flag test results with your own eyes really flicks that switch....how long do you want to live? And while you are living how do you want to feel...? The writing was on the wall...so incorporating some new good habits into life...watch me go!