Hmmmm?

I have been musing about perception and reality lately...since turning 40ish almost a decade ago, my mental health seems to have really stabilized - evened out. I had always been generally depressed - since my teen years...this low-grade, chronic, drone of depression...it would, in times of stress, peak and become unmanageable but I was always able to right myself. Very fortunate really...those dark episodes were a sneak peek into what some ppl deal with on the regular so...hats off to anyone who battles that more often than not. Awful. So yeah...might be age, hormones, lack of stress...whatever it is - I have enjoyed finally feeling a little lighter than what was my usual. 

Solving the "dad" mystery really assisted as well. That was an unexpected perk...I did not anticipate that the outcome of that event would add a tidy piece of scar tissue to my psyche. I feel like I should send AncestryDNA a thank you card.

Back to perception and reality...I have been floating around the idea that maybe I have deluded myself. Maybe this "lightness" I feel is just me mastering denial and avoidance? I feel like I cheated somehow...did not really put in the hard work with my "self" to get such a payoff...know what I mean? I haven't pushed myself into the dark corners to root out things that need to be exposed. I kind of feel like I just grew into myself...but maybe I just became the master of burying shit?

There were a few key decisions made that got me here though...at some point I became mildly enlightened about fear and how fear manifests and cripples a person...I also decided to rid my life of things that cause me great discomfort & stress...relationships being one (the romantic ones, not the family and friend ones). Seriously...what a freeing moment, to just realize that relationships are a great source of stress and discomfort and just deciding not to partake. Trust me...I am not in the dark about my inability to function well within the confines of a relationship, my lack of trust in humans, especially humans who pledge promise and allegiance to me...I am aware that those personal issues of mine are something that influences how I choose to live my life. There are probably years and years worth of therapy required to unwind these matters...but what if it is just a simple decision of making a non-conventional life choice?

Of all my relationships from teens to now...there is only ONE person I do not regret knowing or being with. ONE. The rest could all go die in a fire without so much as a flicker of sadness out of me. That one person is not someone I was with very long but the impact was big almost 30 yrs later. It is very telling that the one person I speak of was just a normal guy, with a fun accent and just genuinely nice to me as a human being. No games, no BS. Never made me feel victimized in any way. I wish I was a different person at 22/23 so I could have truly soaked it in, knowing now how fleeting and rare that would be. **SIDE NOTE: Isn't it sad that the bar is set so low with me? That someone who was just nice and not manipulative wins the longevity award here?**

With all that said...I still do wonder if my current contentedness (is that even a word?) is just one bad episode away from a backslide? I find myself thinking about the impending doom of the inevitable loss that is coming (loss of friends and family that are well into old age)...I guess that will be the true test...how I navigate grief and how it navigates me, ultimately.

I have no real way to gauge if this Content Jen thing is permanent or not- life is just a series of peaks and valleys...there are certainly things that could throw me off the rails in a permanent fashion - but hopefully that type of loss will never come to pass. Being a few months shy of 50 might be inspiring this train of thought. 

Vulnerability is another thing...I struggle with that one...and there's nothing unique about it either. Vulnerability is a pile of rags soaked in fear, anxiety & self-deceit...one spark and I feel like the whole pile will blow the fuck up...so let's just keep that tucked away for a later date, shall we?