Obligatory Purgatory

I am having this recurring pattern of thought lately. Anyone who has known me my whole adult life would have certainly gleaned that I feel like I lost the parenting lottery as a child. I am sure a lot of people feel like this at certain points of time growing up and then as an adult, reflecting on the past. Dealing with parental disappointment is not unique...and sometimes it is not fair because, as parents, we all seem to try our best with the skills we have. I discovered at 8 that my step dad, Don, was not my real dad. He and my mother married when I was 3 and divorced when I was 13. I was told (in the most least child friendly way) my real dad was named Gordon. I met Gordon briefly for about an hour when I was 8. He was friendly, he taught me a yo-yo trick (it was 1978 or 1979), he had a blue/white budgie that really impressed me. Then - I never saw him again. I think I got a phone call once after the meeting...and a polaroid photo of him. That photo was destroyed during the teen an...

I have been musing about perception and reality lately...since turning 40ish almost a decade ago, my mental health seems to have really stabilized - evened out. I had always been generally depressed - since my teen years...this low-grade, chronic, drone of depression...it would, in times of stress, peak and become unmanageable but I was always able to right myself. Very fortunate really...those dark episodes were a sneak peek into what some ppl deal with on the regular so...hats off to anyone who battles that more often than not. Awful. So yeah...might be age, hormones, lack of stress...whatever it is - I have enjoyed finally feeling a little lighter than what was my usual.  Solving the "dad" mystery really assisted as well. That was an unexpected perk...I did not anticipate that the outcome of that event would add a tidy piece of scar tissue to my psyche. I feel like I should send AncestryDNA a thank you card. Back to perception and reality...I have been floating around ...

COVID: I don't really want to talk about COVID. I am sick of talking about how some people can't be bothered to mask up or how certain countries are simply inept at handling the situation (cough cough USA cough cough). It has all been said and done, to the end of time and back and I can't even read about it anymore. We are into the 6 month mark and I can see quite clearly this is a new reality going forward. OLD PLACE: After last said backyard blowout a few posts ago - I moved. How could I not after creating such a hostile living environment? LOL That was certainly COVID related. I am sure I would have gone on eating the noisy shit sandwiches the fuckheads above us were handing us daily had COVID not tipped the scales ever so slightly. As it turns out...while I miss having a yard and gardens quite fiercely...and all my plant babies...and animal pals...I do not miss the noise from above....or the high utility bills...or the lack of light and fresh air...so it worked out ok. ...

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Well, isn't this the weirdest shit ever? At first I was cool with it...so many of the things people don't like about it - I love....like the no crowds, the empty buses, working from home...turns out I am not a fan of working from home in my current home because....the ppl above us are also home 24-7 HAHAHAHA Annoying!! They also have a different level of awareness about this COVID thing...ie: they have visitors still. I was content to silently judge them until one of the said visitors was seen sprawled out on my picnic table in the backyard. Gloves off....I may have had a COVID Induced Snappadoodle about that...which then escalated into a backyard showdown where my "abused 70's kid" erupted, showing no real mercy. Needless to say...friends off with the fuckfaces upstairs. I decided life was too short - I have the means - so why stay here? The noise level is never going to go away so...I shall go away instead...tiptoeing through the tulips (that the deer ate)...

It is a large club...lots of lost brothers out there. Growing larger by the day, sadly. Connie lost her only surviving brother, Bruce, yesterday...it was not so long ago her oldest brother, Steven, died. Bruce had planned to move to Campbell River and soak up all the beauty that Vancouver Island has to offer this year. His visits out here previously made it clear this is where he belonged, in nature, surrounded by family. Connie was eager and excited to share this place with him and they had many talks about what they were going to do once he was here. So many plans. So much excitement. Cut short. Bruce was only 56 so his passing is extra hard on his family and friends. He was quite a character and larger than life so his absence is going to leave some big holes with the ppl who loved him. I sure hope he knew how loved he was. It was very apparent to me over the years how important he was to so many. I was looking fwd to him living out this way so I could finally meet the man...

There are about 5 Dr. Hook songs I just love...when I get on a Dr. Hook kick I make a shuffle mix with Cat Stevens, Gordon Lightfoot, Leonard Cohen, Fleetwood Mac, Joni Mitchell & Supertramp...I call it old timey music. Being that it is now 2020 some of that music is a half century old...as am I. With WW3 looming, Australia on fire and Frump hopefully impeached - things seem bleak...but only if you let yourself go there. I just cannot. Why be worried about world peril when you can concentrate on the stupidity of your neighbours for waiting until the day after the last garbage day to fill the fucking shared garbage bin so that now with over a week left until the next pick up the bin is already full? This is getting added to my life rule post I am working on. My sister asked me if I would do mushrooms ever again (I haven't partaken since I was a teen) and after some thought I rejected the idea...mainly because I am not willing to mess with whatever my brain is up to righ...

HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS:  You could not pay me to attend one of these things...I skipped the 20 and the 25 yr reunion and this year marks the 30 year and I still have zero desire to go. My instant reaction is that I am in touch with all the ppl from high school that I care to see already so...the event itself would not be something I am interested in...then I start self-analyzing...do I not want to go b/c I don't really feel that the present day ME is good enough...? Did I have loftier plans for myself that never came to fruition due to life circumstance and status? I have been pondering this a lot and think I have come up with the honest truth of the matter. A) There is much truth that I don't really care about the rest of the Powell River high school crowd - Aside from the handful of friends I have kept up with from that time - I couldn't give less of a shit about a majority of the rest of them. Plain truth. B) High school was such a shit time in my life - I am not dra...

These life moments...markers. Like when layers, rings of sediment of different colors, dug out of the ancient ground tell the history of their culmination. These markers flood back sometimes, it is like getting hit by a train...when you are nowhere near a train track. You find yourself disarmed and stunned by the power these markers still hold within you. I had a lighthouse moment in my life once...a person being my lighthouse...and I, the proverbial lost boat on the ocean, hit the rocks anyway. Looking back it seems so clear how lost I was that not even a beacon of hope that this person was could steer me straight. I am speaking annoyingly metaphorically - I know. Speaking plain would sound like a pitiful tale of regret and woebegone tale spinning. It is not really like that...just typical What If moments in life...self examination and self judgment. Things managed to fall into place....eventually. I just read the definition of "proverbial" 5x to make sure I w...

Olympic champion worst blogger person... I think I have gotten to the point where I feel like people's opinions and meanderings online are useless and good for nothing so getting on here and blathering on seems like I am being a hypocrite. Guess I better sew this badge on my jacket and face the the facts. I am finding myself becoming a bit more center of the left and right these days. The extreme liberal ideology has become as revolting as the extreme right wing assholery. Leaves me feeling like punching almost everyone in the face. Common sense has gone out the window...I am still left leaning without a doubt but there are certain topics where I am finding myself not as left as I would have been 5 yrs ago. This climate where people haven't the sense to even discuss things without it being an all or nothing campaign of hate is tiresome. I guess we have the current US prez to thank for some of that but upon my reading and such it seems things took a giant shift in the 90...