Obligatory Purgatory

Oh regrets...life is littered with regrets. Some of them fairly major - some not so much. Currently I am in the death throes of regret. Sure, it is not in the same league as the regret I feel that I inflicted a crappy father onto my daughter or a length of time wasted in a shit relationship. I can distinguish the difference. As I sit here listening to some great live video recordings that some awesome motherfucker named Matthew Stathonikos got last night at The Age of Electric show in Calgary (yes, the 1st show in 17 yrs) - I am actually weeping, Ayla is laughing at me and I am extremely pissed off at myself for not booking a ticket the 12 times I looked and toyed with the idea on the Westjet website leading up to the show. SO.FUCKING.MAD.AT.MYSELF. IM.A.DICK. Good lesson learned...no more talking myself out of shit that I really want. Life is way too short. Really...I could have afforded the trip...it is a lot of money and no I won't die not having gone but JFC - I should...

There I was on Instagram....following this hot guy all covered in tattoos, all artsy and dark...you know the type...does great pieces and like I said - pretty good looking...I would see the odd photo and look at him a long time b/c something did not seem quite right. I thought maybe he looked like someone I knew or something but could never quite put my finger on it...then I was super checking out a shirtless picture and realized what had tweaked me previously...there were scars from breast removal surgery. Yeah...dude was born a girl and transitioned into being physically male (see how I choose my words carefully there?). OK - no big deal right, that is not news! It is 2015 after all...so as it  turns out as soon as I realized he used to be a she my crush ended abruptly...he is still good looking, he is s till a  great artist - in fact this lends a whole other level to his "interesting" persona...but it is all rather intriguing to me, my own reaction to this discovery and ...

 ...it is your moral obligation to buy it for me.

When your kid accidentally leaves the refrigerator door open all night do not - I REPEAT - do not be a cheap ass and assume the yogurt that was brand new and unopened in the warm fridge will be ok once it is cold again...there is a chance it will not be and you will have to leave work early with gut rot. That's all I am saying on that matter. Yes, yes it is! It is another rip roaring Friday night in the Conky household...A is on her tablet in her room, dead from the week of cubical torture...I am making myself sit up at my desk b/c I have been laying on the couch too long and feel like a beached whale, crushed by my own weight...all I want to eat are Lays plain potato chips... My sister has shingles. I call her "The Leper" now...that assface dog has been barking downstairs all night. I have to go down and talk to those ppl this weekend come hell or high water. On the upside - my cat barf carpet cleaner arrived today and it will be glorious. I wanna walk around the...

I am not a dog lover really...they slobber, the poo and then you gotta pick it up in a plastic bag while it is still warm, they pee, they shed, they require attention - more than cats b/c to me dogs are more human-like than cats...dogs are like retarded toddlers, you cannot help but look after them and pay them attention b/c - you just can't. I will say Gnarly the lil Pug from upstairs is entertaining...you cannot help but smile the whole time he is around b/c he is just ridiculous cute with this one eye and the way he cocks his head to the side when you talk to him. Ayla wants me to desperately want a dog but it is not happening. The best part about Gnarly is I know he just lives upstairs and can be taken home any time, especially when he pees on the leg of my coffee table. I am terrified he is going to bite my tit too, he is a play biter and a spazz so it could friggin happen...gotta bra up when that little nerd comes over I think. A tit dog bite is NOT my idea of a good tim...

So much space...keenly aware of how much space I occupy. Don't get me wrong, I am typically hyper aware of how I will fit into spaces, which is why if there is a crowded bus I have to be pretty desperate to get on it...and when I do I regret it INSTANTLY.  My wish to be invisible is granted 95% of the time...trust me - if you want to become invisible just become fat and it is like a cloak of non-existence...unless you are experiencing the other 5% of time and some asshole is making you very aware of how invisible you are not. I am harder on myself than anyone else could be but there is something about someone else calling out my lard...with headphones on in public it is less of an issue...ignorance really is bliss...but every so often it happens. Who does that? Who goes around insulting people in public with the clear intention of humiliating them? I am surrounded daily by the homeless, the downtrodden, the addicted, the ugly, the scary...it would never occur to me to point ...

Seriously...cranky...irritated by the heat, the kid, the cat, the crazies, the time it takes the water to get cold from the tap, traffic noise, that I have laundry to do in the morning, that there is no headphone jack in my record player, that I do not have a personal fucking chef, that I missed Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros @ Rock the Shores, that my ass kid told me how awesome they were but didn't even get me a picture or a video snippet, that it is just gunna get hotter out today. Seriously.

As sad as I am to have missed Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros at Rock the Shores - it was a good choice due to the heat today. I would have perished. Neither Miss A or Hot Donna  (aka drunk shit heads) thought to send me some video of the performance either. Rude. I went swimming early today...the good thing about underwater headphones is you can listen to your music and block out the noise of children at the same time! DOUBLE BONUS. I am really loving the swimming these days now that I am back at it...just being really careful with the arm and neck business to to aggravate things with the nerve. So far so good. I stumbled upon this photo of me from 2007 that I do not recall ever seeing before...I am in typical form, fingering the camera whilst fleeing. Such a class act all the time. I feel like doing this in every photo I ever pose for. Once when Miss A. was really little someone said something to me that really freaked me out...that if I were to die at the time ...

Tonight is fancy ramen soup night...I blame Lewis for planting the ramen seed in my mind last night on the phone. He is a very strong proponent of ramen soup and all the glory it offers its eaters. GO RAMEN!

I finally tracked down someone I had been looking for on FB for a while...wasn't sure if the spelling if his name was Sean, Shawn or Shaun so it was a bit difficult....turns out his name is Sharlene now....so yeah that was a bit of a hindrance in my search. ha ha ha Same sad, pretty eyes though, easy to recognize. I made out with him once in high school so I am probably 6 degrees a lesbian twice removed or some shit now. How the world has changed in such a short time... My new stereo came...I have a boner. I am loading up a USB stick right now to try out. Sounds pretty good for a downsized version of my old beast. Certainly will take up way less room! I wish the whiny kid outside would STFU...happy screaming kids are ok...whiny screamers ones....piss off...your stupid parents and barky dog too. I am not in love with the downstairs people, can you tell? Oh apartment living... Miss A and I had the funniest time last night....we were on the couch watching a movie and the parking...

Not being able to eat what you want sucks. So does being fat though and right now the fat-hate is winning the conflict. It is so damn hot and dry here, it feels like the city could just start on fire any moment…need some rain badly…and there are still 2 traditionally very hot months left before it starts cooling. Yikes. Canada Day came and went, fairly uneventful…finally watched Dallas Buyers Club…but after seeing the Mark Ruffalo one about something similar (The Normal Heart) DBC did not traumatize me too much…great performances though without a doubt. Anyone actors willing to lose that much weight for a role are pretty damn dedicated. Shit, some of us cannot lose that much weight to save our own damn lives, let alone for a movie role. Work is a quiet place of tension these days. When people get fired without cause it casts a heavy cloud of tension over any office…by office I mean our little corner of it, I am sure 85% of the people on this floor  couldn't  give ...

True story...I have been in that prison myself, doing time...paying the piper. It is a long, hard road - but we all manage...and in the end when we are set free from it and go back to mediocre dick or no dick at all - the good dick becomes legend...OR we rationalize it in such a way so as to not pine for it... Example: "OMG he was such a jerk"...etc. I have tried all 3 options. Time heals, that is all I will say. Looking fwd to this weather cooling off....JFC oppressive bullshit. Glad I am going to be long dead as the planet gets more tropical. STUPID! Went and saw the new Mad Max flick yesterday....really loved it, was not expecting much but I really liked it...With Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron in it though it was bound to at least be tolerable but I was genuinely shocked at how much I liked it...except that STUPID flamethrower guitar playing scene...I think I actually blurted out quite loudly "GAWD THAT'S STUPID"...that is my only beef with the whol...

Yay Day for the Gays today...so interesting to watch and read about people's reactions. I am clearly living an insular life, I only surround myself with like-minded people for the most part - mostly b/c - and I admit - I am not very accepting of people who are not accepting - ironic isn't it? I cannot process the hate of other races than my own and homosexuals...I do not understand the non-empathetic mind. I do not understand how you cannot see through political propaganda. I do not understand how you do not see people just like yourself when you see gay people. I do not understand how you do not see oppression. So much I do not understand. You do not have to make out with these people...just don't hate them ffs. Frustrating. Oh and all you gay haters threatening to move to Canada now that the US has ok's marriage equality...DO NOT COME HERE ASS HATS....we legalized that a while ago already and we have enough assholes here. I am diggin' some Melvins right now......

I was on the mighty Facebook and someone posted an article about one of the states quietly removing the confederate flag from its gov't bldg - I ended up in this mini-debate with someone who clearly had a giant American boner for the confederate flag...I was actually shocked. ha ha ha I thought those people were only crazy characters on TV. Was kind of weird to have a live, real person bantering about how that flag should be everywhere...I just tip toed out of the whole thing. Those people are beyond my realm of understanding. In Canada we have enough of our own shame going on up here. The more I read and hear about the most I lament that I am not more tuned out like I was years ago. I have no memory about the Air India Bombing....I was 15 or so...I feel like that was likely really big news at the time but I was tuned out. Tuning out is awesome....easier to do pre-internet that is for sure. Now if you spend any time online you are bombarded with information - whether you want it ...

So today at work someone got fired. Someone I really liked.   Someone who I observed over the last few yrs get slowly set up essentially. It could have easily been avoided if the ppl in charge weren't inept managers. This is the 2nd support staff member who has been canned in the last 6 months. Sends a pretty clear message to the rest of us that we are disposable. 2 people have also left and gone on to other jobs and there is a handful more desperately looking to get out of there. Toxic working environment currently. Very disappointing. I have been a manager...hated it! It was very clear to me after managing staff that to be a good manager you really do have to have training along with a cool head/common sense...oh and not be an asshole. There is that little helpful quality. Lawyers managing staff is about as abysmal as abysmal can get. People are very upset. In a non-union environment (gov't excluded ministry) this sort of shit is tough to ignore. This w...

I'm outside...sitting at a bus stop. My laundry is drying so I thought I'd walk instead of sitting around waiting. The whole walk I kept thinking that it would suck to have to call a cab if my knee gave up the ghost b/c I have no $ on me. Saw some extremely drunk ppl. Par for the course arnd here.

I had this yearning to go through my box of concert stubs yesterday...gawd...it is very interesting to think about what path your life would have taken had a pregnancy not stopped your momentum in the direction you were going. I cannot honestly say where I would be now, not even an inkling of an idea. I know my concert going ended abruptly in 1993 for a very long time. That was my main objective at the time...working to afford concert tickets and seeing bands. I had a bit of a plan - to get myself into school to take the ECE program which would end up with me making more $ to afford concert tickets and see more bands. Then I had unprotected sex ONCE and Hello Miss A, my adorable little ball of love. I thought I was very clever tracking my cycle thinking the timing of this unprotected sex would be okay....it was right  after my period after all....wouldn't ovulate for 10 days or so - RIGHT? - ...yeah fuck that man. Clearly some of us ovulate spontaneously throughout the month, u...

The Real Thing I know the feeling, it is the real thing The essence of the soul The perfect moment, that golden moment I know you feel it too I know the feeling, it is the real thing You can't refuse the embrace... No! It's like the pattern beneath the skin- you gotta reach it and pull it all in And you feel like you're too close but you swallow another dose The pinnacle of happiness filling up your soul You don't think you can take any more You never wanna let go Cause it's the root of experience, the most basic ingredients To see the unseen glitter of life and feel the dirt, grief, anger and strife Cherish the certainty of now - it kills you a bit at a time Cradle the inspiration, it will leave you writhing on the floor... This is so unreal - what I feel  This nourishment  Life is bent in to a shape, I can hold, twist of fate, all my own, Just grit your teeth and make no sound, Take a step away and look around, Just clench your f...

Sitting here listening to the 90 songs Daniel Kingbury uploaded to soundcloud the day before he took his life. I have spent the last hour reading all the beautiful stories and words about him on Facebook, his grieving community of friends and family clearly broken by this loss - but some can still manage to articulate what he meant to them and everyone. Makes me grateful I did not know him but sad I didn't at the same time. While I have a very clear understanding of suicide in my mind I still ask myself whenever something like this happens - I wonder if people read all this love and adoration mingled with the ultimate grief before hand if it would change the outcome...? I am reading this stuff and without ever knowing him personally and am just gutted by the grief and the hole he has clearly left in so many hearts. I knew who Daniel was - but he had left Mindil Beach before I saw them live and I only really related him to the Jellyfish Project . Pure sadness is what it is.....

I am experimenting. I have so far skipped my Sat. and Sun. evening dose of nerve pain pills....so far...no crazy arm pain...just general mild withdrawal I think... This is promising...fingers crossed.

Ahhhh I ended up catching Aunty Pam's germs from a few weeks ago...weirdest cold ever. Its weird how for all my 44 yrs the common cold virus and all its variants have played out in exactly the same way. The sore throat starts, a warning of what is to come. Eventually that turns into 'razor blade throat' and the snot begins to flow...the production of snot has always been a fascination of mine. Blowing your nose for days on end, expelling the never ending flow of snot...too bad that shit wasn't worth money. Then the coughing begins....unproductive and painful at first...making the throat even worse...the cement head headache...ribs and whole body rattling in pain from the coughing nightmare...the nasal throat snot flow tickle that makes for the uncontrollable coughing spasms, keeping you up (and everyone nearby) at night...then eventually that cement shit in your lungs loosens up and you get a bit of relief and coughing is no longer the nightmare it once was. That is a t...

Miss A/Sprog Well....the sprog is now home after a Mother's Day trickery finale. The little beast snuck home with the aide of our cousin Maggie and I got the biggest surprise ever in the lobby of the River Rock Casino. If you know me at all you know I EFFING hate surprises....hate hate hate....and while I would have preferred to know she was coming home since xmas when this scheme began (for reasons of mental sanity and preparedness) I can hardly get mad at the little a-holes when I am so relieved by the outcome. So yes it was a massive surprise to have the sprog with us at our casino/April Wine concert weekend. Right after the splat hahaha It was a little weird at 1st...I couldn't stop staring at her, making sure it was really her haha Had a few good laughs at the casino....the main one being Aunty Pam having a massive wipe out while trying to stick her Aunty Pam the Grey/Gandalf the Grey head into this hole cut out photo stand....she thought it was a bit ...

Very happy the NDP in Alberta are getting a kick at the can. Truly never thought I would see the day that the Conservative Regime would be booted out. They really have been terrible lately, undeniably so. I look fwd to the NDP tweaks that are coming...That province needs fresh eyes that are not just filled with dollar signs. Miss A is enjoying being back in Melbourne. She has Rosie's room (she is never there) and Rosie's roommates aren't around much so its nice shes getting a bit of downtime after living with far too many french girls in a very small apartment up in Sydney. No more fighting for kitchen time...no more cereal for every meal b/c there is never kitchen time...(First world problems, I know) Talking to Miss A recently I discovered she hadn't even noticed I removed myself from all her social media (Facebook, Snap Chat, Instagram) 3 MONTHS AGO! Rude. Clearly, she is not hanging on my every word. ha ha ha Last day of work before 12 glorious days off toda...

JFC does not mean Jenny's Fried Chicken. I dreamed last night that I was dying...that I knew I was going to die so I was tying up loose ends in life...and then the waiting began...trying to cram in time with Miss A, not wanting to spend a single moment doing something unworthy of one's last moments alive. I woke up before I died. For some that would be a massive epiphany. Not me. haha

You know you miss your kid when you start looking longingly at girls around her age that have long See, they are everywhere! dark hair...or as you walk behind a girl with long brown hair searching for similarities, with a smidgen of hope that it is her and she travel ninja'd back to Canada to surprise you. Alas - it is never her...amazing how many cute, little mocha colored girls there are with long, lovely dark hair in this city. Queenstown, New Zealand Miss A has a few weeks in Melbourne, staying at her pal Rosie's house for free, time to relax and soak in the last bit of Australia before she departs for Queenstown, New Zealand on May 20. Queenstown looks gorgeous....very Jasper / Banff like actually ...mountains, lakes...and cold! I am hoping the cold temps will make her a tad bit more eager to get home to summer in August....one can dream. haha It is a quiet Sunday. All I hear is the hum of the ice maker, working hard to make me ice. Love that thing. I am drink...